Bad Day with Stir Fry.
Ever have those days where you just eat and you eat and then you try to fool yourself into believing that you’re fuelling yourself for exercise but really you’re just fucking eating to try to stop thinking about how uncomfortable you are in your own skin and your own mind?
You eat to fill the Jesus/Mohammad/Buddha shaped hole in your life but each fucking spoonful is just more emptiness filling the void?*
I have had 4 chicken stir fries and now I’m addicted to Turkish Delight. I just like eating purple as it is not a natural colour (apart from when it comes to your mother’s lady boners, hot salsa, chicken dip).
It needs to stop but how and when? Self disgust hasn’t really worked well in the past has it? Maybe the 5th chicken stir fry is where the fucking magic happens?
I still have really poor coping mechanisms and my thoughts make me a miserable cunt. I used to fucking LOVE being a miserable cunt. With a YOLO attitude. I was a realist.
“We’re all going to die so let’s fucking break out the booze and have a ball.”
Only I wasn’t having a ball. I was an argumentative little cunt and no-one likes that. I can’t handle drama anymore. I created drama in order to try to feel something. Anything. But it never worked. And I’d drink to try to blow my way out of whatever shit-storm I created.
It’s a shitty life I don’t want to lead anymore. I’d rather be sane and boring, inside eating chicken fucking stir fries as opposed to pints of Old Rosie and Lamb Samosas in London Town.
I’m even watching Eckhart Tolle videos again to try to just cut myself off from the negative thoughts. Mindfulness is a good concept. Mentally I’m nothing anymore. I am fucking sailing along in a spacious fucking void you cunts.
Room for gratitude.
I’m grateful that I can run. I don’t want to run now but once I get out there, things will be better.
I might be suffering from some kind of burnout. I hate when the days get shorter. But I will run tonight. Even a 5k. Anything.
Gonna see what happens if I take 4 Imodium after my 4 chicken stir fries. Surely the symmetry of numbers will keep all the bad shit inside my guts?
Probably hopelessly drug addicted to Imodium now.
Can’t shit, Won’t Shit. A new cooking series with Angry Jogger where he makes chicken stir fries, takes Imodium and doesn’t shit for years at a time.