So I was bored last night and decided to put together a very complicated calculator that will tell you when you will die as a runner, how it will happen and how shit-hot runners like Usain Bolt will actually react to your death.
Below is an example of the sorta crap the calculator spits out.
My death as an Angry Jogger.
You can access my actual death here.
So why did I put this together?
Well I’m bored of being overly serious all of the time on this blog. I can’t be bothered talking about my pace, distance or times at the moment.
I just want to have some fucking fun.
And putting together a calculator that tells you when you’re gonna die as a runner is my idea of fun at the moment.
Well I guess it takes all kinds to make the world.
Anyway, I hope you find the calculator fun and please don’t take the results of it too seriously.
You can access it here.
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.
this is great! it was also spot on about me being a true pioneer in running deformity
I never knew Paula Radcliffe was even aware of my work.
And funnily enough, I have been hit by a group of teenagers with a bag of shoes to the stomach (actual true fact) so the nature of my death is totally in the realms of possibility.
Well, now that I know how I die (in another sweet, long 14 years), it’s time to get back to my regular diet of pizza with chorizo, chicken and bacon topping…
Oh, and Iwan Thomas can go and find a quiet corner to punch himself in the face. It’s called the Bernie shuffle and it is really efficient.
My demise:
You will die running on Wednesday 18th August 2027 during a fartlek workout.
You will go into this run contemplating becoming a hairy Communist for lent.
You will be forced to stop in the street after having your path blocked by a single-mother with a jogger. In your rage your heart explodes like a car back-firing.
Death will happen 7 miles into your favourite route.
“No one ran quite as awkwardly as Bernie Elber. A true pioneer in running deformity” – Iwan Thomas
“A true pioneer in running deformity!” Ha! Almost brought tears to my eyes! Fun post!
I get till 2030!