I’m in a burnout phase at the minute. After 30 days of monitoring calories I’m tired and I’m feeling claustrophobic in my mind. Overeating does not feel good. I want away from this continual habitual striving. The fucking addict in me is spinning around and chewing it’s own tail.
I don’t want to run tonight. I’d do anything to get away from it. Catch a duck, stick my Garmin around it’s neck and throw it out my window and claim the kms as my own. I’d become the new Rob Young. A marvellous cheating bastard of a man.
I’d spend the next few weeks trying to find the duck to get my watch back.
Even writing about running is a fucking pain in the hole. That’s why I’m writing this shit.
It’s 22:53 and I still haven’t ran today. I’ll get out before midnight. I’m not scared at running around Tottenham at this hour. I feel half dead at the moment so anything that makes me feel alive is a good thing.
I’ve bought 10 boxes of own brand Sainsbury’s Imodium. Tempted to take 6 but I’d probably have to puncture my arse with a needle like the foil at the top of toothpaste to ever be in contention of shitting again.
I want the spring days to come and burn a whole through this apathy. I’m constantly complaining even though I have lots of shit going for me. I am a typical millennial wanker. Great at expressing feelings but terrible at analysing and correcting the root cause of such issues. Too painful. Too boring. Easier to switch the channel in my mind.
Google, Facebook, Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Redtube, Google, Facebook. Punding like a rat starved of dopamine. Press the buttons. Make happy happen.
This time in 2016 I was at the burnout phrase too. It’s almost a year since I dropped out of the Green Man Ultra and pissed off back to my hotel room early. I swore that I’d never run another trail race after that but I lied. I completed London 2 Brighton and then London 2 Cambridge.
I’ll get through this shit, I always do.
I’d love to go out tomorrow and run long. When I think back to the best days I had in 2016, they were always the days I spent 7 hours out in the sun, challenging my own limits.
I’ve been inspiring myself recently by playing Champagne Supernova by Oasis. It takes me back to lying in that field at 79k in my first ever 100k and coming back from the dead to finish it.
I need to get my focus back or something. I think today was just a bad day.
23:11 and I’m getting ready now to go out. It won’t be pretty but the streak will continual and I’ll see better days ahead.