An Interview About Weight Loss Excuses With My 25-Year-Old, 280lb Clinically Obese Self.
Tonight I will be interviewing Matt from Belfast.
The year is 2009 and our guest will be giving us excuses as to why he can’t lose weight and change his life for the better.
Matt is a 25-year-old web developer. His pastimes include Jaegermeister, kebabs and introspective periods of self loathing. He is fresh off a disastrous stand-up comedy performance at the The Big House, Belfast where he rambled incoherently about being fat for 7 minutes, to little/no laughs.
I asked him earlier why he won’t change his ways, lose weight and at least become a little healthier.
His excuses are the sub titles.
I’ll lose weight at a later date. I don’t have the time now to change myself now.
Wait, you don’t have the time to make better lifestyle choices yet you have the time to eat a 14 inch pizza every night after work whilst masturbating to Enya records?
When will you change? How far are you willing to let yourself slip before you change your life? To 250lbs. To 300lbs? Until you can only move about in a mobility scooter? Or until someone has to cut the roof off your house to rush you to hospital?
You won’t ever change when your answer is still tomorrow.
If you keep eating as badly as you do now you’ll probably die of a stroke the next time you shoot one out the window to ‘Orinoco Flow’.
I will change when I find someone I love!
You’ll never find someone who loves you whilst you’re feeling sorry for yourself you goddamn fool!
You’ll just attract ratty little bitches who’ll pin you down for a lifetime full of debt and regret whilst treating you like shit as you have no self respect.
You are young and you can move. Start now.
You get what you deserve in life and if you try nothing, then you deserve nothing in return.
You can talk about karma and fall into self pity whilst stuffing your face full of bagels, but you’ll still be procrastinating and you’ll remain where you are in life.
I am happy being a fat boy. Why should I change?
You’re happy with yourself? Yeah right!
With that level of denial you should join the fat acceptance movement and become a fat, angry, miserable cretin who complains about not being accepted for his weight, yet endlessly bitches about skinny people and how they have no ‘soul’.
You sweat so much whilst walking that are you’re relieved when it’s raining so that you have a legitimate excuse for being soaking wet in meetings for God’s sake!
I’ve tried before to lose weight and gave up before and I’m scared it will happen again
You gave up because you were adopting an overly strict diet plan and you were so self conscious at the gym that you ran too fast for your ability and exhausted yourself.
You aren’t out to be better than anyone else. You’re out to be better than you were yesterday. Focus on where you are now and move forward step by step.
Sometimes you will lose and feel like giving up. You might even backslide a little but it isn’t over until you give up and just go back to waiting for your saviour in time.
Your saviour is that awkward nerd staring back at you in the mirror!
You only fail when you stop getting up each morning with the mentality that you’re gonna change your life for the better today in even a small way.
I have never been the sporty type. I have bad genes too!
Yes you were horrific at sports in school but that’s because you didn’t have a love for exercise back then and it was harder for you that way.
You associate exercise with pain because of this.
You need to find an outlet that you truly love and break that link.
It doesn’t matter if that outlet is a team sport or an individual sport like running. Just find something and stop making excuses like the fat acceptance people do.
But people who adopt healthier lifestyles lead boring lives!
Yeah and what are you doing with your life that’s so fascinating now?
The only thing that’s rich about your life now are the rich chocolate bars you eat and you can’t even enjoy them because you feel guilty about the fat content.
You might see ‘healthy’ people as boring for enjoying something you don’t, but at least they are trying to do something about their condition.
And no, your ‘views’ on society aren’t interesting. You’re just a boring opinionated sad-sack who is too scared to make a better life for yourself.
And 3 years later, that gormless overweight twit became the slightly-less gormless and slightly-less overweight twit who rants here about being unable to run.