Alcoholism
It’s January 2015 and I’m celebrating my birthday alone in a Holborn boozer.
13 pints later and I’m in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Tottenham where everyone seems to be enslaved not so much by alcohol but their
own fear of their worst mental conception of themselves.
Everyone is praying to God like the drowning pray for land and it seems to be all over betting slips and not moral ineptitude or property prices.
Hello.
I am an alcoholic. I am unable to deal with the sheer tedium of my thoughts during any given week so I resort to setting my brain back 30,000 years of evolutionary progress through lager or pilsner. You can sell me any brand but inside I’m always firefighting. Anything to douse the flames of the old anxiety and self awareness. Anything to just be myself without the weight of lucid scrutiny. Dull, giddy or asleep. I’ll select any or all 3.
Why I am talking about this?
I released a book in November 2014 where I alluded to my own alcoholism so I’m just talking about it in a way I’m happy with.
I love reading about addiction as it gives me some understanding on the topic and I’m not forced to accept cult nonsense, Bible readings or shitty polystyrene cups. I want science and an understanding that comes through conversations not covens.
I don’t want to be an alcoholic and I just want to find myself on some level beyond that tired old macho shit.
That tired old macho shit leads to nothing but a new morning and an emergency bucket at your arse.
One of the best books I have every read on Alcoholism is Under the Influence. It breaks it down from every possible angle. Talking points, not shaming points. At some point you have to decide to forgive yourself and learn to like yourself.
Big up for writing about it, cathartic, this writing shit, isn’t it? Also, this January, if you’re gonna be on your own again get down to Brighton and I’ll treat you to a birthday Shakeaway. Who needs lager when you can have every sweet, chocolate and slutty treat combined into one? 🙂
Hey, another alcoholic runner checking in here. Running has been a great tool in my recovery. Keep on keeping on!
I’m one of those ‘high functioning’ alcoholics. Not that there are different types of alcoholic, different flavours perhaps, but it’s still the same shitty addiction.
I used to run. I’ve run four marathons. But I’ve drank more than I’ve ran.
There’s not been a day I haven’t wondered why I feel the need to drink, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just too scared to kill myself. I think about that a lot.
I’m working on things now. Not quite running again. Long distance walking helps. I’m going to start a blog.