When you’re fat and not willing to address your real problems you can get angry at the world but ultimately you’re the source of your own frustration.
You’ve got to live up to it, face it down and act on it in any way you can.
In 2009 I was pretty lost in almost all ways. I had an excellent job, but I was 280lbs and didn’t really know where I was going in life.
On a whim, I decided to order some ‘magical’ cactus off the Internet.
I’d read many Beat-generation books praising it’s ability to raise your consciousness and transpose your mind above the norm, allowing you to hit a sense of inner peace reserved for elder-Buddhists or stroke patients.
A bad idea during a bad time.
I took it around 4:30pm on a sunny October afternoon in Botanic Gardens Belfast and by 6pm I felt the first wave of it. By 7pm I was high and strung out and felt like I belonged on another planet.
It was then that I realised that I had an incoming shopping delivery from Tesco.
I felt tremendously ill. Apparently I was experiencing what is known as the ‘purging’ phase of the cactus.
Before I knew it, the delivery man arrived at the door. I tried my best to help him claw my shopping out of his trays with my hands. I think I missed my grasp twice before I kneeled over and then the vomiting began.
Epic Vomiting In Stranmillis, Belfast And I’m My Own Host.
I had a portion of chips and onion rings after the cactus. I thought I was in for an easy ride from the Universe. It turned out that I was in for the long haul.
I couldn’t stop vomiting in my own living room, in front of a complete stranger.
I tried to get him to go away but it turned out that he still had 5 Pot Noodles of mine in his van and he was worried about my health.
I managed to reassure him that I’d be fine and to give me my Pot Noodles. He did.
I think.
But It Got Worse.
I remember spending 3 hours barricaded into my front room thinking that my oven was filled with crystal spiders. With my rudimentary knowledge of chemistry, I knew that I couldn’t crack the bastards even with the best of hammers.
I felt fucking doomed and condemned to living with these bastards forever.
It was my own fault.
Fortunately, in times of sadness I tend to habitually hit Spotify.
It was then that I came across this song.
Normally I fucking hate Depeche Mode but I remember the whole “New Life” thing having a hell of an effect on me.
I mean the song is totally meaningless, but I kept hearing the chorus in my head throughout the start of my weight loss attempt up until even now.
Which is why I played it earlier this evening and why I’ve now typed out this post.
I survived that dire night in South Belfast and my running began about 8 months after.
The moral of the story
The moral of the story really is that you have your own ability to change your own life. Even if you have to go to the depths of listening to Depeche fucking Mode.
You don’t need to take magical cactus to do it, but you do need to live up to yourself and how you are at the minute to get through it.
To change yourself you’ve got to realise that you have to change. If you’re fat and unhappy it can be difficult to do this as you tend to live in a constant state of denial.
In summary, it’s much better just to starting going to Weight Watchers or fat camp than ever use any intoxicant.
The use of cactus here was like trying to open a peanut with a Kalashnikov.
There are better ways to change.
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by Matt the Angry Jogger
Matt lost 70lbs through running and has ran 13 half marathons and 4 full ones. He hates health freaks with a fucking passion and loves cheese and cider.
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