Running Is Dangerous & Bad For You! An Assessment Of The Most Common People I Encounter Running.

I ran 7.5 miles at 6am this morning and experienced a heart stopping moment at the very end of the run.

You see it was still pitch dark and the area I was jogging in had no lightning. It was then that I noticed 3 red LED lights blinking in the distance. The lights got closer and it seemed more and more surreal. For a moment I thought I must have died and this was how Satan was gonna induce me into hell for all my gluttony.

It turned out to be 3 whimpering Highland terriers chained to an old man who was almost moving. He stared up at me as if I was the Grim Reaper. We said nothing to each other. But his glance said it all.

With that curious encounter in mind I decided to write a risk assessment of the 10 most common types of people I encounter whilst running.

1) People who block the pavement because they’re preoccupied with their smartphones	I’m talking about those who wander around the streets at a snails pace whilst staring down at their fucking smartphones and then are shocked when they see me trying to pass them roadside. It can be really fucking dangerous especially if there is on-coming traffic. Unfortunately it’s more and more common these days. I’m thinking of chaining a cowbell around my neck just so they know that I’m there.	High Risk
2) Angry Motorists	I am not fond of maniac drivers who want the footpath and your blood. It’s especially common when I’m on country roads. I hate it when they try to run me off the road when I’m obeying the highway code and wearing reflective shit. There’s no fucking need for it!	High Risk
3) Overly kind motorists	As much as I hate angry motorists, I think I hate overly kind motorists even fucking more. I’m talking about the drivers who stop for me at every road. I feel bad as I appreciate the sentiment but when I’m out running it is really fucking dangerous to assume that someone is going to stop if I go in front of their car. Let me assume that you’re a fucking maniac out to mow down joggers and we can maybe meet later for a drink and relax, OK?	High Risk
4) Those on Mobility Scooters	Whilst there is negligible danger posed from those in mobility scooters, the risk of being shamed is high when you’re a slow jogger like me. I’ve been passed countless times by the old, the fat and the lazy alike. I pretend not to be annoyed but it’s humiliating as they always take so fucking long to pass me. It’s as if they’re showing off.	Low Risk
5) Other runners	As runners, we’re all in it together and we should try to foster a kind, sporting spirit within one another. For instance if I see someone faster than me I look on in admiration. If I see someone who is struggling I will give a nod of encouragement. If I see someone going the same pace I’ll try to take that motherfucker in any way I can. I don’t just reserve my racing for events or those in mobility scooters. If I see someone passing me and I think I can take them, then I’ll do it (I’ll usually fail but hey, God loves a sweater).	Low Risk
6) Gangs	The risk is high with these bastards as you’re always sure that one of them has a switchblade. When I was new to running if I received any verbal abuse from them I’d have responded with much profanity. Nowadays I know running isn’t worth getting stabbed or over. If I wanted to be stabbed nightly, I’d marry a girl from Lurgan.	High Risk
7) Vulnerable looking women	When I’m out running in the morning I see a few people making their way towards the train alone. I immediately feel self conscious as nothing says “There’s a rapist on the loose” better than hearing my panting at dawn directly behind you. I try to breathe easier and make less noise but I seem even more suspicious. One day I’ll end up getting peppered spray or kicked in the balls for just trying to make my way home.	Moderate Risk
8 ) Cyclists who refuse to use the road	I don’t mind the apologetic cyclists who use the pavement when they aren’t confident enough for the roads. I’ve been there and done that as a kid. Who I hate most are the cunts who try run you over when they should be on the road. This is not Amsterdam you fucking hippy. Get on the fucking road. And stop ringing your horn so much otherwise I’ll ram it up your hole.	High Risk
9) Strangers who try stopping me for a chat	I don’t mind stopping to help with directions but I’ve been stopped by the old and the drunk alike for general chat. Small talk is not my forte and besides I’m not out to shoot the breeze. I’ve been asked “are you OK?’ on 4 separate occasions over the last 18 months by worried old women. There’s something about my general demeanour that sets off pity in the hearts of old dears. But I’m not out to be pitied. I just want to be left alone to run!	Low Risk (but fucking annoying)
10) Anyone who sucks at owning a dog.	I’ve ranted at length about small dogs and irresponsible owners. The absolute worst are those who just let their dog wander free and then turn and sprint at you. When I see something bounding at me at 20mph, my mind is not on recreation. It’s on survival. There have been times where I’ve almost went over my ankle just trying to get out of the way of the beast. The owner (and onlookers) always find it hilarious. But I don’t. I have weak bowels and I don’t want to shit myself in public any more than I have to.	High Risk