Hey dickhead! It is me, your future self!
I notice you didn’t run today. I’ve taken the liberty to write a point by point analysis of why this is not a good idea. After all the day won’t go well if you don’t go out and grab it by the balls!
- Your mind was much cloudier at the start of the day. You spent the first half hour today staring at your screen as if it contained foreign script. When you do not run all of your sentences are an incomprehensible mish-mash of “kinda like y’knows” and “what was I saying agains”. Running activates your brain. Extra sleep will not charge your batteries. It will drain you. Don’t be a dick. Get up.
- You thought that the 2 hours extra in bed would magically rejuvenate you but you actually felt worse each time you woke. I think it was the stress of thinking you’d actually slept in for work and were late. You probably could have woken up at 4am and felt fresher.
- You spent the day fretting that you’ll now have to run 3 days in a row to make up your weekly mileage total. This is true. If you had ran earlier we might have had legitimate cause for a lie in tomorrow. Get the fuck up next time and stop being such a pussy.
- You said that you would eat less today to make up for not running. You were talking shit. You are sitting here munching into a Yorkie whilst writing this. You had fucking cheese for breakfast again too! You’ve probably ate more today than normal as running makes you feel better about yourself. When you feel good, you eat less. When you eat less, you run better. Then you feel better about yourself and everything is better. It’s a vicious cycle. You’ve got to break it to make it.
- By sleeping-in you act as if you want or are owed an easy life but you’ve never had it so good because of the running. Maintain it and life will continue to get better. By the way, you’ll never earn your living lying in bed. There isn’t a market for square-headed hetero rent-boys outside of the dark reaches of Tyrone.
The ripe ones be in Tyrone, lad!
- You love running when the sun only rises as the run is ending and the sky is a blue you’ve never seen before or will likely never see again. Stop focusing on your fear of running in the dark and concentrate on running into a bright new morning that’s charged with potential.
- You sometimes complain about the physical pain of running but it is never anywhere as bad as the collective mental discomfort of knowing you haven’t run.
- Stop complicating things in your head. Forget mileage, pace or splits. Just get out there and put one foot in front of the other for somewhere between 30 and 60 minutes and we’ll both feel better about it all.
- Tomorrow I’ll be positioning the phone well away from the night stand. If needs be, I’ll set Bronski Beat’s ‘I Feel Love’ as your alarm tone and show you what pain really means.
- For both of our sakes, run tomorrow. When you don’t have your morning jog, you have violent thoughts of stopping morning traffic by smearing your arse on some poor sap’s windscreen. You cannot run in jail, even if someone is coming after you with their pants down. Make the most of your life and just fucking run.
- When you get up tomorrow, forget yesterday and any negative actions you might have taken then. If you feel trapped or oppressed by your past and you constantly look to it for hints of the future, then you won’t have a future that’s any different from the past. So forgot that you didn’t run yesterday or that you didn’t eat well. You’re gonna run today, start again and try to get it right this time. You might have to fail 100 times to truly have a day that gives you the momentum to move forward.
- But most importantly of all you’ve got to learn to enjoy your morning runs. If your experience of jogging in the morning is painful, then you won’t want to do it as much. Think of running like eating pizza. You don’t have to try to eat pizza. If you enjoy running then you shouldn’t have to try. Your runs will eventually disappear in a flash like a 12″ Hot N Spicy.
Nom your runs.
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.