This is a follow up to my note to myself to motivate me into running in the morning from late last year.
Hey dickhead! You may have ran a marathon and a half marathon in the last two weeks but your job ain’t done!
You’ve another marathon in two weeks.
You haven’t ran in 4 days and you keep saying you’ll run in the morning but you don’t. You need to run in the evenings and stop making lame fucking excuses.
- You keep thinking back to this time last year when you did your long runs hungover in Fuengirola, Spain. The pain you felt on those runs won’t be the same now as you aren’t living off a steady diet of Gorgonzola and Euro bottles of Sangria. You are eating better now. You will run strong if you let yourself run strong. Stop reflecting on the past and give yourself a chance at a future as a runner!
- You also keep thinking back to the near-misses you had after work last April where you nearly got caught short in the local village and were close to calling into the church hall for a shit. Yes, you might eat lots of crap during the day and yes this may unsettle your stomach, but it doesn’t mean you’re gonna shit yourself out on the road. If the worst comes to to the worst you can always clamber into a farmer’s field and shit behind his hedge. Just be sure that the sheep aren’t watching when you drop your pants.
- Don’t give me that “oh I’ve been at work all day, I’m so tired!” fucking bullshit. You aren’t building Belfast’s answer to the Empire State Building. You sit at your computer all day and do nothing but type, sigh and bitch (and not even at the same time).
- There was a time when you first started running back in 2011 that you actually enjoyed running at evening. Watching the sun set as you finished your run relaxed you and made you sleep well. This will happen again if you just go out and enjoy your evening runs.
- Now that you have decided not to run tonight, you’ll spend the rest of the evening on edge thinking about the run at 5am tomorrow. You have failed to wake up twice for this run and the chances are you won’t wake for this either. You will have to live with this. If you’d ran tonight then you could have sat about and watched cat clips on Youtube and stuffed your face and felt at ease.
- You’ve managed to convince yourself that only rapists, con-men and Communists surface at dusk. Every time you’ve ran in the evening in the past you’ve had next to no trouble from anyone. All of the trouble in your head is imaginary. You’re just making fucking excuses.
- Running in the evening completely curbs your appetite. This is excellent for you as you tend to eat a lot of junk food at night to curb your frustration at your inability to sleep. If you ran during the evening then you will continue to make progress with your weight loss. If you stay indoors then you’ll just watch Man Vs Food and order yourself a Domino’s. Then to top a miserable night off, in a bout of self loathing you’ll force yourself to masturbate to hour long speeches made by Ann Widdecombe MP.
- Stop being paranoid about your demeanour. It makes you look even more mentally unstable than you already are. I know you’ve spent the last 6 months grimacing in the dark whilst jogging, but this isn’t an integral part of your running. You can grimace in the daylight too. It will stop old ladies asking you for directions as they’ll think you’ve just farted.
- You don’t have to run 10 fucking miles every time. You’ve got it into your head at the moment that you have to run this distance for it to be considered a true jog. The nights still aren’t that long enough for it to be practical. A 10k is better than nothing at the moment.
- Finally you know it’s Thursday and it’s the night where you’ll see the local running club out and about. You do not have to tense up when you see them and try to pick off the slowest members of the group. Wave, say hello and don’t be a fucking dick. Stop using your social awkwardness as an excuse to be a lazy cunt. You’re doing yourself absolutely no favours whatsoever with this attitude.
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.