A New Sober Year And A New……..What?
I’m worried. It’s 6:45am, I can’t sleep and I honestly think there’s a hole in my nipple from running too much. At the minute that’s the least of my worries.
I didn’t drink on New Year’s Eve. I was offered many beers but I’d already made the decision not to booze so it was easy just to politely say no. I enjoyed myself as I was in the company of good people, but left quietly after midnight as there isn’t much fun in watching people drink like crazy badgers.
Sober old wanker.
This isn’t the dawn of a ‘new me’. I am who I always was. And that’s the uncomfortable thing. I haven’t really progressed at all past being the anxious 18 year old who hated going out and being in the company of others.
It’s easy to buy into the idea of a new you as most people don’t want to be themselves. They turn to alcohol, exercise, religion, procreation, sex, wanking marathons, foreign escapades or anything else to try to feel something beyond the ordinary. The boring. The real you.
There is only one you, and that’s you. The you that has always been. You. Have a look in the mirror. That crazy head is you. It’s not a very good head if you’re to believe Nivea/Maybelline/L’Oreal/Proctor & Gamble. But it’s the head you have so you might as well make peace with it.
Drinking gets you out of your head for 6 hours but you pay the price of being even deeper in your own head for 18 hours after that. Questioning your own existence. Checking your Whatsapp in case you accidentally sent a tit pic to your landlord. Mourning your bank balance. Living life on the back foot.
This time last year I felt as if there was a black void in my soul.
With recent events and the blessing of the last sober month or two I feel as if that black hole has collapsed back in on itself and it’s formed a raging new sun.
A powerful fucking sun.
This new energy helped me to 31 consecutive days of running and 275 miles in December.
I’m not under any illusion that anger or hatred is necessarily a good thing, nor is it bad either. It all depends on intent and at the minute I want to use it to help address my weaknesses.
I’m past disliking myself for mistakes I’ve made. Those decisions were the best decisions I was capable of at the time. If I knew any better, I’d have acted better then. But I didn’t. I can’t do shit about that now.
All I can do is live life with the lights on and that means not drinking today which isn’t a sacrifice but a blessing as I’m beginning to address the old me. The me that’s always been.
But even though I say “I can’t do shit” about past decisions, the ghosts are still there. And they tend to pop up when I can’t sleep.
And I can’t sleep. So I’m now going to wear an old familiar movie like a blanket and hopefully doze off soon.