A Message To North Korea and Kim Jong-Un. Stop Being An Aggressive Cunt And Get Outside And Run!

I’ll tell you all a seriously unfunny story that happened just 20 minutes ago.

I feel asleep here at about 10pm local time and awoke at 2:00am for no real reason. I switched on the news and saw that North Korea are making more threats against the United States for being the inventors of Spandex (or some other pointless shit like that).

Just to confirm it, I went on CNN and sure enough this story was on the front page.

Like anyone who has watched the nuclear war drama Threads multiple times, I tend to get nervous about any of this rhetoric.

I don’t want uranium in my corn flakes.

I’ve seen the damage that nuclear fallout can cause first hand in the form of Belarusian ‘women’ tainted by fallout from the Chernobyl disaster.

Then my heart fucking sank when this popped into my inbox.

Holy fuck. Have they went through with it? Are Amazon not selling goods anymore because of the attack?

Holy fuck!? What am I gonna do?

What if another nuclear device hits Belfast the very moment I’m having a wank and the blast cuts out the power to my home at my “moment of impact”?

Could I recover from the resulting stroke / heart attack let alone the repercussions of a nuclear war?

Then I opened the email.

Amazon you fucking cunts!

You nearly killed me!

I thought you were announcing the end of the world, when really all you were doing was shilling fucking gobstoppers to a fat man from Northern Ireland who does not need more fucking gobstoppers.

What is your fucking problem?

…..and relax. A message to Kim Jong-un and North Korea.

So my message to Kim Jong-un is simple.

Stop being an angry fat fuck and go outside and run. We all know you’re angry because you’re that obese that you can’t see your dick, but chill out.

Go outside for a nice jog in Pyongyang. It will do you the world of good.

You might stop blaming the free world for all of your personal fucking issues and actually reflect on your own life and your own problems and breathe a little.

Kim Jong-Un tells the world how many yards he managed on his last run whilst pursuing an ice-cream track. 

My conclusion

I am lucky that this did not happen in Amsterdam.

I would have jumped into the Amstel, caught two swans, bludgeoned them to death with my head and then fashioned their carcasses into a spectacularly inefficient/gruesome anti-Nuke helmet.

I’m now going back to bed. My flight to Holland is in 12 hours and I really need my fucking beauty sleep.