Broken Watch Blues
I’ve been running with a broken watch strap for the last 2 weeks. I have to either carry it or place it in my bumbag. I chose the latter last night and the watch paused itself whilst I was running meaning I missed out on recording the first 1km of my run.
Been thinking more about GPS watches and how limited they are. My Fenix 3 is good at recording distances but little else. I long for the day when smartwatches finally make Garmin and Suunto obsolete.
Here are some of the features that need to be in there now.
- A battery that I can charge off my own hatred for man and dog – Charging with a portable USB bank is still a pain in the arse.
- Doppler radar for wind and rain – The watch suggests new routes where there is bad weather. It takes my current pace and measures where I’ll likely be and automatically suggests a reroute if I’m in danger of being shot in the balls with lightning.
- A sphincter extension which not only tells me how close I am to shitting myself – But also wires itself up to Google Maps to find suitable locations to shit in; like fields, polders or woods in an emergency.
- On-screen maps with radar blips like in GTA to help me avoid attackers, dogs, and other bastards – I should be able to download a list of undesirable groups from the internet who will automatically appear in a colour of my choice. Blue is for Chelsea fan. Run away.
- On-screen counter that hooks up with a microphone to record how many times I say “seriously fuck this shit” to myself on the run.
- On-screen message which reminds me to stop talking to myself so much out there – Especially when I’m around others.
- Inbuilt speaker system which detects slow pedestrians and automatically shouts “get out of the fucking way you dozy cunt” in the language of the country I am currently in – It can find the country through GPS obviously and set the locale as required.
- Call an Uber button – This saves my run and automatically orders me an Uber to my current location. It also sends through my run stats through to the driver and explains to him/her that I’ve been exercising and to, therefore, expect a stink and be lenient with the reviews.