8 Things That Runners Don’t Wanna Do Directly After A Run
I had this post half written last night as I assumed I’d have made up for my laziness during the early part of this week and ran this morning.
But I didn’t.
Fuck it. That won’t stop me posting the 8 things that I really don’t want to do directly after a run.
- Climb stairs – Sometimes I’d rather just live and sleep downstairs as it doesn’t involve the agonising death march of pain. The worst thing about climbing stairs immediately after a run is that you’ll soon realise you’ve left your front door open or that your microwave is on fire. Then you’ll have to go back downstairs. Then back up again. It’s agony.
- Go directly into the shower – Getting into the shower is a major hurdle after a run, especially when I have work directly after it. Once I’m in the shower everything is OK. It’s just getting back out again is the issue. If my nipples are bleeding from the run, I won’t wanna get into the shower at all and I’ll prefer to offend everyone else in the office with my pungent cock fumes.
What do you mean I’m not a fucking team player?
- Think about running again anytime soon – After 12 miles you’ll know exactly how it feels to have went the distance. Now you’ll never wanna do it again. It’s time to switch off your mind altogether because if you were to think too much about future runs, you’d never wanna do it again.
- Take running clothes off immediately – Especially if I’ve been running hard or it’s been raining outside. My clothes are glued to my body and separate body parts will start to conspire and cramp at the worst possible time.
- Answer stupid questions – “So how was your run? Are you hurting? Why is your face all red? Why do you run when it’s cold? Why do you look so angry?!!”. Fuck off! Leave me alone! If you want to be of assistance then fetch me a glass of whiskey you bore!
- Take an ice bath – I know I’m not a real athlete or anything, but even if I was one I’d refuse to get into a bath full of ice. It’s like taking a shotgun to your cock just to remove a wart.
- Eat anything – The post-run nausea is too much for me sometimes and I’d rather just take in liquids instead of food. If I wait for 2 hours or so then my appetite will return to normal and everything will be fine.
- Do warm-down exercises – Stretches, intervals, squat thrusts, hurling my ass at the sky to block out carbohydrate uptake? Fuck off. None of them appeal to me. The only thing I wanna do is lie down in my bed and dream sleepy dreams.