24 Awkward Moments That We All Share As Runners
First of all a thank you.
We’ve hit a 1/3rd of the funding total for Angry Jogger the book!
Here is a token of my gratitude to all of you who have pledged, shared or liked the Indiegogo page.
It’s a new song I’ve written called ‘At Least I Didn’t Shit Myself’.
It’s about my experience of shitting in hedges at the Titanic Quarter 50k race.. You can download it below if you’re disturbed.
24 Awkward Moments That We Share As Runners
- Tripping up over our feet and someone noticing – Then you have to pretend that it was just a little jig you were starting. You weren’t getting clumsy, you were becoming groovy. I’m susceptible to this at the end of long runs. By mile 18 I’m actually staggering. Running in a straight line is next to impossible. I worry that I’ll be stopped by the police soon for appearing drunk in public.
- Drooling on your own running top – When you’re running it’s difficult enough to keep moving let alone have full control of your bodily functions. Drooling all over yourself is a sign that you’ve started burning fat. In your brain.
- Being caught talking to yourself – They say that talking to yourself is the first sign of madness. If that’s true most runners are off their rockers. If you’re caught in the act whilst running say “I’m not talking to myself, I’m singing myself a lullaby to get myself through the next 10 miles!”
- Sweating on someone as we run past them – This is absolutely disgusting and I’m sad to say it’s happened to me more than once. It tends to occur when I’m in a race and I’m running by the roadside. Dollops of it will hit people who are unfortunate enough to be in the front row.
- Freaking out about insects – You’ve hit flow for the first time in your run. Then a bumble-bee flies into your open-goal of a mouth. What do you do? Stop, bite and swallow? Or do you keep on running and hope it finds a way out through your asshole? I swat at it and scream like a child. I’m the worst with wasps. I will do anything to escape them. Sometimes that involves running onto the road WITH traffic.
- Staring at the GPS watch once and then glancing back at it immediately to check it’s right – “Shit! I’m running a 15:20 minute/mile. I thought I was good for a 5:20 mile there!”
- Being splashed in the rain by trucks and large cars whilst trying to contain your anger – You’re soaking wet but you can’t be seen to be angry at the bastard who nearly drowned you. You just take note of his plate and quietly plot revenge.
- Saying hello to a runner who doesn’t acknowledge your existence – “Fine then! I wasn’t talking to you. I was taking to my friend behind you, you grumpy fucker!”.
- Being caught by a member of the public whilst performing hill repeats – You either seem to be stoned or very fucking indecisive. If you’re overly self conscious about it, pat your hands on your pockets and pretend that you’ve forgotten your phone. That always works. If you encounter the same person again at the top of the hill and they stare again shout “OK I’LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU! I’VE LOST MY PHONE UP MY HOLE! I CAN TELL BECAUSE IT’S ON VIBRATE!”. That’ll be enough to get them thinking.
- Waving to cars that you think have beeped at you but have beeped at someone else – When I’m out running I don’t have time to study who is in the car, so by default I wave to anyone who honks. It’s awkward when you wave at a car and then a second later see the person who they were really beeping at. You can’t back down in this situation. Continue to wave at the driver and convince him that you are the one he was really honking for.
- Trying to take a drink, missing and hitting ourselves in the face with the liquid – You get bonus points if you let it dribble down your face and onto your shirt. That’s styling.
- Farting on the run – Hazardous if you’re in a group of friends, downright dangerous in any public situation. Especially if the fart follows you all the way home like a lonely stray dog and people start tutting at you. Farts are never normal on the run, it’s like Satan is trying to communicate to the world with morse code through your bum-hole. Terrifying. On the plus side, if you fart on someone behind you then you’ve got a good excuse to perform some speed work.
- Ignoring motorists who try to stop you for directions in the street – “I can’t form a sentence let alone give you meaningful directions, lady! Leave me alone!”
- Dry heaving on the run – So you’ve tackled a massive hill and you’re all puffed out, now is the time to dry heave in public and give others the impression that you’re possessed by many demons. “Quick, someone call the exorcist before he blows!”
- Passing the same person more than once – That happens to me quite a lot as I tend to run in circles for fun. If you said hello to the person the first time do you have to greet them again? Or do you shout “FUCK OFF!” at them to balance things out a little?
- The moment you nearly run into someone when you’re rounding a corner – The problem here is that I always try to take corners fast and at a tight angle. If someone is walking in my running line then there’s usually no time to react and change my course. We’re on a collision course and I’m not the one that’s gonna be moving.
- Running into inanimate objects and trying to maintain your dignity afterward –. I once ran into what I thought was a street light on my birthday 2 years ago. It turned out to be a man out walking in the dark. I tried balancing myself on his head like he was a tray-table on a plane during heavy turbulence. Again, I didn’t realise he was human. I thought I was dealing with a lamp post.
- The moment you’re so out of breath on the run that others think you’re dying – And the worst thing is that you can’t catch your breath for long enough to explain the situation “I’m not dying! I’m just exercising!”
- Being reminded by a member of public that your laces have come loose – And running on anyway without tying them as you’re too busy shooting for a personal best. Just try not to break your neck on the home straight. That’d be inconvenient.
- Overtaking another runner and then having it reversed on you soon after – First you sprint past them all coy. Then they coast past you to show you who is really boss. This is even more awkward if your attempt to outdo them was mean-spirited.
“Eat dirt motherfucker!! Oh wait! Oh shit!”
- Being so trapped in flow and runner’s high that you forget who or where you are – “Why am I running on my own in the countryside at 6am? And why the fuck am I 38 miles from home? HELP! Oh wait. It’s long run Sunday! Phew.”
- Stand offs with drivers reversing out of their parking space outside their house – It’s always an awkward moment where you’re not sure if he/she is letting you past or if you’re stopping to let them out. Solution : run onto their lawn. The same thing can happen when trying to cross the road. Some motorists will stop to let you across when they obviously have right of way. That’s more irritating than it is helpful. I’d rather assume that all motorists are fucking maniacs!
- The horror of runner’s snot – No one can look sexy whilst your nose is haemorrhaging vast amounts of snot per second. It’s bad enough when you’re at home and have tissues at hand. When you’re outside running the only option is to leave it there or wipe it against your shirt. And that’s far from a pretty sight.
- Missing your mouth with running gels and having it leak down your front – After missing my mouth with the gels I’m always paranoid that the police will take a look at my top and stop me with “Excuse me sir, could you tell me what that substance is on your shirt? There have been reports that you’ve been running through town with a bad sex face on!”. That’s not my sex face officer! I’m concentrating on my running! I’m trying to attain the runner’s high! AND NO! IT’S NOT SPUNK! IT’S DRIED ON GEL YOU DIRTY DIRTY MAN. I DON’T LIKE HOW YOUR BRAIN WORKS, OFFICER.