20 Weeks Off Alcohol And I’ve Kept My Run Streak Alive Again With A Shitty 5k
It’s been 20 weeks since I last drank alcohol and I’m doing OK. I’m far from complacent. All it takes is for me to think that I can handle just a few drinks and I’ll be back into that slow awful obsessive game of “why can’t I drink like a normal cunt?”. I won’t hit ‘rock bottom’ immediately. I’ll let shit slide again. I’ll just be happy with being mediocre and miserable and I’m tired of that shit.
I didn’t want to run tonight. I forced myself into 5k and it wasn’t much fun. I’ve had no energy for the last few days and I’ve been obsessing over Turkish Delight, Pot Noodles and Curly Wurly bars. All the old poison. I feel fat and bloated. It’s miserable.
I was asked for change by the same alcoholic guy twice and he didn’t seem to grasp that runners don’t tend to bring coins with them on short runs. I wanted to ask him if he took Visa or Mastercard but I don’t think he’d have stopped to ask if my head took a Stanley knife.
Back when I drank a lot I’d appreciate it when I saw someone who had a worse problem than me. Mad men clutching cans of Kestrel Super were common on the bus through Finsbury Park. It was hilarious listening to them ranting and raving about fuck knows what.
‘There but for the grace of God go I”.
As much as I know I was a dick for finding other active alcoholics entertaining, I find that particular line of thinking fucking abhorrent. To think that there’s a God that gives an extra fuck about me compared to some other person is blindly solipsistic. God’s grace does a shitty job at burning through human stupidity.
Still. When I found other alcoholics with bigger problems than myself it just stopped me focusing on improving my own life. It’s the same with running. If I focus on what other people are doing and compare myself to them then I lose my understanding of why I’m running in the first place.
Life at the moment is simple. I don’t drink today. I try my best to run. I try not to overdose on Turkish Delight. I try to do some coding. Some writing. Some guitar. Reading. Anything other than thinking and brooding over the past as that’s where the real danger lies for me.