Here are 18 fucking things that I’m sick of hearing from non-runners.
- “I don’t know how you can run that far “ – Whilst I appreciate that running for 10 miles may seem foreign to non-runners, it’s really not that difficult when you break it down into the key act of moving one leg in front of the other. We don’t start off running 10 miles. We start at 0.1 miles and build it up bit by bit until our legs and our minds can carry us further.
- “Isn’t running awful boring?” - Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. Most of the time I’m out of my mind when running and coasting on brain chemicals. It’s like a drug without all of the nasty side effects. I find that running is a lot less boring than walking. When you’re walking you can’t shift your pace as freely without looking like an utter fucking maniac.
- “You’re not really running though are you? You’re jogging!” - Well I guess it depends. If you’re gonna define running as moving past 6mph then yes, sometimes I run. sometimes I jog. It doesn’t ultimately matter. It’s only something assholes argue about. The important thing is that I consider myself a runner and that’s all that matters. Sometimes you’ve gotta fake it until you make it.
- “I could finish a marathon easily, but I don’t have the time.” - Congratulations on your busy schedule. I’m pretty sure you could run one too. It’s not that difficult if you have the dedication and the will but those are both harder to summon than you think.
- “Runners have no lives.” - You’ll hear some snarky bitch or bastard say this from time to time and what it really means is “runners don’t have a life like mine, which is the best life that anyone could have! Now I’m going for another glass of Pinot Grigio before milking my Bichon Frise off in the attic!”.
- “Runners are arrogant people!” - I used to believe that runners were arrogant as they’d pass me in the street without saying anything. I try to shatter the image by nodding my head at everyone I see. The problem is that I’m a little overeager and I can’t help but think it looks like a tic to pedestrians. What I’m trying to say is that we aren’t arrogant! (apart from the fuckers who never nod back to me in the street! You are fucking arrogant twats!)
- “Why run when you risk shitting yourself nearly every time? - Paula Radcliffe and that poor man who looks like Timmy from Southpark have popularized the belief that all runners are incontinent bastards who take some amount of pride in shitting themselves. This is not true. I’ve only come close to shitting myself twice in 4,000 miles and both times were my fault for eating Jelly Tots before the run.
GAHHH LIVING A LIE, TIMMMMEH!!!
- “How come you’re still fat when you run so much” - I’m overweight as I enjoy junk food a little too much. Running doesn’t give me license to eat all of the things but sometimes i cave in and do it anyway. I’m trying to better myself which is the most important thing.
- “Why didn’t you win the race?” - Despite being 205lbs and 6′ 3″ I decided I’d give the Kenyans a chance this time and start at the back…
- “Runners eat nothing but salad! How can they live like that?” - On the contrary the main reason I run is for cake, cider and chips. If I had to observe a bullshit regime like the Paleo diet, I’d have cut off my testicles with pliers long ago, deposited them in the River Lagan and not dived in after them.
- “Why do you waste your weekends running?” - This is usually asked by the sorta idiot who spends their weekend entirely drunk and/or hungover. Or wanking their Bichon Frise off in the loft. The answer is simple. If you enjoy doing something at the weekend then it isn’t a wasted weekend.
- “Why do you punish yourself so much with running?” - Running isn’t punishment if you enjoy it. It’s actually rather therapeutic for me as I run at my own pace and for my own reasons. Punishment to me is sitting around, stuffing my face and not doing anything for myself. I’ve been down that road before and I have the pictures to prove that it isn’t a pretty outcome.
No-one knew that this man was a lesbo.
- “There is absolutely no point to running” - If you were to look at everything closely, there is absolutely no point to anything in life. With a pissy attitude like that, why bother even getting up in the morning? Running sometimes can be a means to an end. For me it’s great for managing my weight and an excellent social tool. Running leads to better things and a better life.
- “You’re still running? I thought you’ve have got over that little phase by now” - Running is not a phase, it’s a lifestyle change that allows me to go away on weekends, get as drunk as sailor in a new town, run hungover and then reward myself with more sweet nectar (and Nachos) after the race.
- “I only run when someone is chasing me!” - If that’s true and you’re out of practice, how do you know that you would escape with your life from a murderer? You might think that you can move fast but it takes for you to watch a video of you finishing a race to realise you’re slow as hell! Don’t give the rapists a head start! Start running!!
- “If you enjoy running so much, how come you look so miserable when you’re doing it?” - Let’s put it another way, if I were to grin like a Cheshire Cat on each and every run and the police were telephoned into the area I was in regarding an assault, who would they suspect was responsible? I’ve tried smiling on the run before but I just look suspicious like I’m the bastard offspring of the BFG and a leprechaun or something.
- “Why don’t you take a proper break from running. Do you have to run every week?” - I’ve tried taking breaks before but they always make running that bit harder to get back into. I will have quieter weeks where I’ll run 15-20 miles and that will be fine. It doesn’t really count as a break if I feel stressed out about not running..
- “I’d run but I’m not fit enough for it!” - How do you suppose you get fit to run then, by sitting around on your sofa eating cake? Starting to run is only a Catch-22 situation if you try to start too fast to begin with. You can build up to running easily enough through walking faster and for longer over time.
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.