16 New Year’s Resolutions For Cynical And/Or Depressed Runners.
Are you a cynical old running cunt who hates the idea of making and breaking New Year’s Resolutions? Here are a few alternative promises you can keep to help make 2015 your best year yet.
All of these are easy to stick to, so if you fuck up and fail any of these resolutions you’re a bad, bad person.
- On night runs, I will not affix any of my high visibility running gear to slow moving terrestrial animals that are quite low on the food chain. Tortoises are human too.
- If I fart whilst on the run in 2015, I will not perform the two finger test in public until I’m out of view of the general public. If I’m caught doing this by the police I will calmly tell them that I’m just checking my hatch for a leak. It will help your defence if you make your body sound like an aircraft.
- I will not mourn the death of roadkill. Instead I’ll use their carcasses as running fuel. I will draw the line at eating dead cats but only because it’s forbidden by the Olympic Doping Committee (each whisker you consume your V02 max increases by 10%)
- If I join a positivity cult in 2015, I promise I won’t post more than 150 selfies of me grinning like a lobotomised moron with granola per day or invent clumsy Twitter hashtags that will make any more than 50% of my followers want to stab my fucking face off #inspoliving #goingforRunch #worktheshaftcuptheballsshallowthegravy
- If I shit myself on a workout I will not call the coast guard. Instead I’ll do the humane thing and waste the resources of the police force. “Officer we have a code brown.”
- If I’m caught outside talking to myself I will improvise and pretend that I’m on the phone with my doctor receiving a terminal diagnosis “THAT’S 4 NOW. HALFWAY THERE YOU CUNT!…..doctor?? What do you mean my balls are just gonna rot and drop off like rotten fruit?”
- In 2015 I will not stop suddenly in the street to take selfies, especially if I live in a relatively congested area. By congested I’m talking anywhere more densely populated than Nunavut, Canada.
- I won’t feel bad for feeling depressed and negative sometimes (running does not magically fix all of your problems, but it’s a good start. Smash anyone who tells you to cheer up in the fucking face. Your emotions are legitimate. If you don’t have the right to feel, then you have nothing at all).
- When I get depressed and/or drunk I will not begin to mindlessly enter races. Instead I’ll use my hard earned cash to buy counterfeit Prozac off the Darknet to address the hole in my soul.
- I will punish myself every time I have a racist thought with a speed interval.
- Every time I say hello to a runner or nod in their direction in the New Year and they fail to respond, I’ll turn around and run exactly 2 feet behind them until they acknowledge my existence.
- I will not thank my God of choice for allowing me to run. I will thank my legs. Legs never get any of the praise. If I think that being able to run is a blessing, then I’m about 3 steps away from being Glenn fucking Hoddle.
- If for some reason I find myself running underground, I won’t expose myself to miners.
- I will not be one of those silly fuckers who writes out messages to the world with their running route, unless the message reads “I’M A FUCKING CUNT”.
- In 2015, I will not feel ashamed for going into running stores because I’m lonely and not because I actually want to buy something.
- If I’m ever in the situation in 2015 where I’m running against traffic on a busy road, I won’t back down no matter how hard motorists try to run me off the road. I’ll pretend that I’m the fucking Terminator and give every last one of the fuckers the victory sign.