15 Lies That Most Runners Tell Themselves Over And Over Again.
- “This will be the last time that I’ll ever run!” – Every time I hit the wall on a run this goes through my mind. It’s an empty threat as i know that without running and exercise my life would be devoid of pleasure. At the time I’m completely serious though. It’s horrible when you have to run on empty.
- “I’m feeling great!” – I’ve tried pumping myself full of positive talk on the run when the going gets tough but my mind and body are smarter than any empty inspirational self-chat.
- “This is too hard. I am not talented enough to run strong!” – I tell myself lies out of self pity. I try to convince myself that I don’t have the potential to ever run well. It’s not down to potential though. I struggle with running as I still don’t eat healthily and I’m shockingly lazy.
- “I’m not binge eating, I’m carb-loading. I’m an athlete in training!” – No you’re not. You’re a gluttonous pig with an Oreo dependency. Throw the rest of them in the garbage and actually eat something healthy for once!
- “If I refocus my mind then I will be able to stop myself from pissing my pants before the end!” – I’ll close my eyes and try to kill the panic of urgently needing a toilet break. No matter how much I try I can’t zone out and have to take a piss in the trees. When nature calls you’d better fucking answer otherwise you’ll find yourself answering the less subtle “Dude, have you pissed yourself?”
- “I will never enter another marathon again!” – I’ve told myself this little lie many times directly before a marathon. The pressure for me pre-race is unbearable and I wonder why I am putting myself through this one more time. Then….
- “….I will run all of the marathons!” – On the rebound from the last point, you finish the marathon, run a good race and you feel absolutely amazing! You spin your desk globe, pick a random place on the map and then pledge to run a 1,350 mile ultramarathon in Papa New Guinea, where you have to run backwards through rugged terrain with a horse strapped to your back.
- “I will run more next week, I’m too busy to improve my training now” – This is a killer lie for me. I’ve recently fell into a rut with my running and the reason for it is that I keep waiting for next week to come to step up my training. If I’m to improve I have to do it now. Deferring the hard work to new week won’t make my life any easier.
- “I don’t care about beating other runners, I’m only racing myself!” – This is bullshit. I still die inside every time someone in a Batman fancy dress costume overtakes me on the home straight of a race. The sad thing is that as much as I try to curb my competitive edge I still worry about others who may be progressing faster as runners than I am.
- “I may not have trained for the distance, but the crowd will pull me through the last 10 miles of the training!” – In my past 2 marathons I was unhappy with the quality of my long runs. I remember giving up on my last 16 miler for Paris and thinking “yeah I’ll be OK, a Frenchman will throw me a croissant , a sly wink and a kiss and I’ll turn into Usain fucking Bolt”. I continue to overestimate the impact that the race atmosphere will have upon my performance towards the end of the race.
- “Running outside is always so relaxing!” – No it fucking isn’t! You have to contend with dogs, adolescent gangs, thunderstorms, rapists and bumbling pedestrians. If I really wanted to relax I’d just go to the beach with a bottle of Scotch and hurl abuse at the sea.
- “Don’t worry, I’ll be able to run last night’s 12 course meal off tomorrow!’ – I’m always struck by how confident I am of completing a 14 mile run the morning after I’ve had a huge meal. When it comes down to actually running, I’m always too bloated and ashamed to move and end up eating more to try to kill my misery.
- “I’m perfectly normal, it’s the rest of society that’s weird”- Let’s face it, getting up at 5am for a 12 mile run around town with a head lamp on is not what ordinary people call fun. We are fucking freaks.
- “Hey I actually know what I’m doing!” – I don’t know about the rest of you but I try to fool myself into believing that I know the half marathon distance inside out. I don’t. There’s always a period between miles 7 and 9 where I’m concerned that I’ll collapse both physically and mentally.
- “Wow! I’m running so fast! The crowd must be impressed by my crazy leg speed!” – I have this illusion shattered every time I watch a video of myself crossing the line at a marathon. In my mind I’m travelling at 35,000mph but in reality it would seem that I’m running in slow motion. It is very embarrassing.
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