- “This will be the last time that I’ll ever run!” – Every time I hit the wall on a run this goes through my mind. It’s an empty threat as i know that without running and exercise my life would be devoid of pleasure. At the time I’m completely serious though. It’s horrible when you have to run on empty.
- “I’m feeling great!” – I’ve tried pumping myself full of positive talk on the run when the going gets tough but my mind and body are smarter than any empty inspirational self-chat.
- “This is too hard. I am not talented enough to run strong!” – I tell myself lies out of self pity. I try to convince myself that I don’t have the potential to ever run well. It’s not down to potential though. I struggle with running as I still don’t eat healthily and I’m shockingly lazy.
- “I’m not binge eating, I’m carb-loading. I’m an athlete in training!” – No you’re not. You’re a gluttonous pig with an Oreo dependency. Throw the rest of them in the garbage and actually eat something healthy for once!
- “If I refocus my mind then I will be able to stop myself from pissing my pants before the end!” – I’ll close my eyes and try to kill the panic of urgently needing a toilet break. No matter how much I try I can’t zone out and have to take a piss in the trees. When nature calls you’d better fucking answer otherwise you’ll find yourself answering the less subtle “Dude, have you pissed yourself?”
- “I will never enter another marathon again!” – I’ve told myself this little lie many times directly before a marathon. The pressure for me pre-race is unbearable and I wonder why I am putting myself through this one more time. Then….
- “….I will run all of the marathons!” – On the rebound from the last point, you finish the marathon, run a good race and you feel absolutely amazing! You spin your desk globe, pick a random place on the map and then pledge to run a 1,350 mile ultramarathon in Papa New Guinea, where you have to run backwards through rugged terrain with a horse strapped to your back.
- “I will run more next week, I’m too busy to improve my training now” – This is a killer lie for me. I’ve recently fell into a rut with my running and the reason for it is that I keep waiting for next week to come to step up my training. If I’m to improve I have to do it now. Deferring the hard work to new week won’t make my life any easier.
- “I don’t care about beating other runners, I’m only racing myself!” – This is bullshit. I still die inside every time someone in a Batman fancy dress costume overtakes me on the home straight of a race. The sad thing is that as much as I try to curb my competitive edge I still worry about others who may be progressing faster as runners than I am.
- “I may not have trained for the distance, but the crowd will pull me through the last 10 miles of the training!” – In my past 2 marathons I was unhappy with the quality of my long runs. I remember giving up on my last 16 miler for Paris and thinking “yeah I’ll be OK, a Frenchman will throw me a croissant , a sly wink and a kiss and I’ll turn into Usain fucking Bolt”. I continue to overestimate the impact that the race atmosphere will have upon my performance towards the end of the race.
- “Running outside is always so relaxing!” – No it fucking isn’t! You have to contend with dogs, adolescent gangs, thunderstorms, rapists and bumbling pedestrians. If I really wanted to relax I’d just go to the beach with a bottle of Scotch and hurl abuse at the sea.
- “Don’t worry, I’ll be able to run last night’s 12 course meal off tomorrow!’ – I’m always struck by how confident I am of completing a 14 mile run the morning after I’ve had a huge meal. When it comes down to actually running, I’m always too bloated and ashamed to move and end up eating more to try to kill my misery.
- “I’m perfectly normal, it’s the rest of society that’s weird”- Let’s face it, getting up at 5am for a 12 mile run around town with a head lamp on is not what ordinary people call fun. We are fucking freaks.
- “Hey I actually know what I’m doing!” – I don’t know about the rest of you but I try to fool myself into believing that I know the half marathon distance inside out. I don’t. There’s always a period between miles 7 and 9 where I’m concerned that I’ll collapse both physically and mentally.
- “Wow! I’m running so fast! The crowd must be impressed by my crazy leg speed!” – I have this illusion shattered every time I watch a video of myself crossing the line at a marathon. In my mind I’m travelling at 35,000mph but in reality it would seem that I’m running in slow motion. It is very embarrassing.
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.