13 Tips For Surviving Shit Attacks Like A Champion.
Hey fuckers. Today I’m going to provide you with some advice on how to survive shit attacks. It’s an important issue that we can all relate to as runners.
- Just as airplanes have a turbulence penetration speed to prevent structural damage when the plane goes all shaky, all runners have a flatulence penetration speed. If you’re experiencing a gas attack, slow down and try to draw your bum hole up into your body like a dolphin’s blowhole. Keep calm. Breathe. Push your arse out and lurch the rest of your body forward to prevent fuel leakage. Your goal is to tuck your colon back in as far as it can go. Picture a slug sliding up a drain. That’s you.
- Bring some cash with you on each run. It means you can use the facilities of restaurants and bars if you’re having a shit attack. If you’re desperate to shit you don’t have to order anything immediately. Throw your coinage at the server and bolt for the bathroom. You can order your cream cakes once the shit attack has been averted.
- Never shit in cemeteries. Not only is it disrespectful but more importantly it can make your arse haunted.
- Be aware of your surroundings at all times. Even when you don’t need a shit it can be helpful to know your area well to plan for the unexpected. Bushes are pretty fucking pointless and a complete waste of time until you really need to shit with some privacy.
- Always shit if you can before going out to run. Any unease in your stomach has the potential to become a fully formed shit attack given the right circumstances. It’s always the little belly rumbles that give way to mass carnage a mile in to your tempo run.
- Don’t leave your shitting until the very last minute. If you’re in a one minute to midnight situation you might feel desperate enough to run into someone’s house to use their toilet without asking. This obviously could get you arrested. You can’t just drop your pants and shit in the street like a dog without repercussions. You will be rightly labelled as a sex case.
- Consider taking up yoga as a hobby. It will afford you the flexibility to shit whilst standing up into one of those dog waste bins. This could become your party trick over time.
- The panic about shitting yourself is a lot worse than actually shitting yourself. The fear can snowball in your mind and turn a dormant volcano into Mount St Helens in the blink of an eye. Do not pay any attention to your evil bastard of a mind. If you’re panicking so much that you’re experiencing heart palpitations, then just shit yourself and live with the shame. It’s easier that way.
- Whilst running as fast as you can to the nearest toilet might seem like the best plan of action, you might hit some bumpy trails that will make your belly roll and your arse growl for biscuits. If you trip over your own legs then all bets are off in terms of what’s gonna slide out of your hole. It won’t be hot dogs.
- Never run into a police station to use their toilets. If you look as strung out as the average runner they will be waiting outside the bathroom door with their sniffer dogs just in case you’re taking an evil crystal meth shit. Then the dog will go for your bum hole like it’s made of tasty bacon rashers.
- You aren’t alone – most runners experience a shit attack at some point. It’s all about managing the crisis. If you don’t shit yourself when you really need to go you can bring up the experience in a job interview the next time you’re asked ‘when was the last time you saved the day?’
- If you’re constantly experiencing shit attacks then it might be worth investing in one of those “Can’t Wait Cards” that are available through most Crohn’s disease websites. Consider giving them a donation if you do go for this route especially if you don’t suffer from the condition.
- Remember shitting outdoors is addictive. Once you’ve proven to yourself that you can squat like a king or queen the temptation is to do it at every opportunity just to prove what a big boy or girl you are. Don’t become an exhibitionist like that cunt the Naked Rambler. He ruins it for all of us eccentrics.