Here are 12 ways that you could easily die running if you aren’t careful out there….
- Running across roads without checking both ways to see if it is safe to cross - I always try to check for cars when I’m on the pavement but sometimes I become so tired that I just stop caring and vault across the road without much care. This is common during my long runs where I’m so fatigued I’ll just take the quickest route home. I’ve had too many near-misses to mention….
- Running past bars especially at night – This is the best way to receive a free bottle to the back of the head from drunken assholes. Fortunately this is a rare occurrence. It’s more usual to have a drunken reveller tag along with you for 100 yards whilst hurling affectionate abuse at you every step of the way.
Wow you’re a big fucker, man! How do you even move let alone jog?!
- Running in unknown neighbourhoods without checking Google Maps before hand - Straying into the wrong area can have tragic consequences, especially if you’re a 6 foot man running in a pencil skirt in farmer country at dawn. Always prepare your route out well in advance and tell your family and friends where you’re going (and try not to cross dress in farmer country, unless you’re a farmer).
- Running through dizzy spells where you’ve been about ready to faint and ignoring it – There have been times where I’ve felt ill and faint but pushed on through as I thought the shame of not finishing a run was worse than a little lightheadedness. It isn’t clever to ignore your body. The next time I try this I might pass out or even worse…
- Flying off the back of a treadmill - You’re in for a world of pain if you configure the treadmill to the highest setting in hope of impressing the prince / princess beside you on the next machine. You will impress no-one when you spin tits-over-ass onto the floor. Don’t try to be a hero and go slow!
- Running so hard that you forget the pavement exists - Picture this! You’re running a race that you’ve been training all year for. Now the finishing line is in sight and you have vast amounts of kick left and you’re unstoppable. Except you’re not. You’re that absorbed by the pumping of your muscles that your feet fail to negotiate the terrain you’re running on and you go down, leaving you with the task of picking bits of tarmac out of your face for the next decade.
- Giving shady looking dog owners or clumsy pedestrians a dirty look - If someone acts selfishly outside, the temptation is to either remonstrate with them or to just give them the evil eye. Neither approach will help. It will only take you to look at the wrong person once for you to have your head smashed in. Try to be polite to others even if you hate their fucking guts. You’re out to run, not to pick fights.
- Running around corners too close to the inside lane - I did this in December and very nearly ran into a young woman walking an Alsatian. If I’d been half a second quicker then she’d have released the hound and this blog would have been no more.
- Running in the summer along country roads with a crippling fear of insects - Whenever the weather is fine and the bugs are out I do whatever I can to get out of the way of wasps and bees, even if it involves running in front of traffic. I wish I was joking. When a wasp flies at me all bets are off. To give you an example of how scared I am of them, I was only three weeks into my new job when I had to run from the train to work as it was pouring outside with rain. My boss came in and asked me ‘What’s that on your lapel, Matt?’. I stared down at my suit jacket and there lay a drowned wasp. When I realised what it was, I jumped up from my chair, performed a rain dance around the office in a vain attempt to shake it off. Suffice to say, I did not win ‘Professional of the Month’ for that episode.
- Running in low level lighting without a head lamp - Even with street lights winter early morning running is hazard. There have been times I’ve tripped down the curb on a routine jog out into the country. If I were to injure myself I’d be stranded and the chances of being eaten alive by a mutant pack of Irish coyotes would be alarmingly high.
- Ignoring important social cues because you’re listening to your tunes - If you drown out the world around you with your MP3 player you put yourself at more risk from traffic and potential assailants. You become something of a soft target. I stopped wearing earphones as I reacted nervously every time someone passed me from behind. Since I couldn’t hear them coming I’d get quite a fright and almost flap at them in panic.
- Crossing in front of cars instead of behind them - This is a recipe for disaster. Even if the motorist is waving me on across the road I have to assume that this is someone I’ve had a run-in with the past and he’s gonna floor it the moment I step out like I’m his little badger. Fuck that!
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.