Unfortunately the weather was really shitty here in London today so I’ve postponed my long run until tomorrow morning when it’s set to be a whole lot better.
Now for something a little different tonight, here are 12 ways that running is uncannily similar to chronic alcoholism.
- You sometimes get a very dry mouth as a runner and an alcoholic - I find myself reaching for cans of Dr Pepper too often to cure the awful post run thrist much like I did when I was drinking a bottle of whiskey at the weekend. Drinking water seems like too much of a chore compared to opening up a delicious can.
- Running, like alcohol, enhances your mood instantly - But when you can’t run you’d better watch the fuck out. Even worse is the post run depression that leave you feeling bereft of joy without exactly knowing why. And so the whole horrible cycle begins again with a vengeance.
- You will find new situations to run in like an alcoholic finds new reasons to drink - ‘A 5k where we all dress like nuns and chase otters with plastic dicks!?!? I’m in buddy! Make mine a double! (dong)’
- You wake up in the middle of the night a lot with pain - With alcoholism your pain is usually emotional “Oh Christ, why the fuck did I shit in the rabbit’s hutch again last night whilst watching the golf? Poor Fluffy ‘. As a runner it’s not uncommon to go into cramps in the wee hours and wake up in agony.
- You become dependent on the buzz - It gets to the point where you can’t feel like yourself without a run. Who the fuck am I and what the fuck have you done with my head?
- You try to encourage friends into your world of addiction so that you feel less alone - “Go on! Come out with me on one run! It won’t hurt you! Look at me! I’m happy like this!”
- Alcoholics and runners alike turn to groups - Alcoholics have 12 step programs, runners have their clubs. Regardless of where you are in your life it’s vital to belong to something.
- It’s the first thing you think of in the morning - ’Do I run or not? Can I fit in a quick run before work? No-one will notice and it’ll stop all of the horrible shit in my head for at least a microsecond.’.
- You have a distinctive smell - Alcoholics smell like breweries and dead cats, runners smell like sweaty burning meat. Either way, it isn’t exactly sexy is it?
- One is never enough - You swore that you’d only run mile but before you know it you’re on your 20th and there seems to be no sign of you giving up.
- You become very defensive about your addiction and play down any of the negative aspects of it - Sure you might have lost all of your toenails to running but you’ll quickly counter anyone who suggests that it isn’t very good for you. ‘How can something that feels so good be so wrong? It’s my body, I can do what the hell I want with it!
- You frequently question your own sense of self worth both as an alcoholic and as a runner - ’I only ran X miles at X min/mile pace. I’m worthless even compared to one legged Jimmy around the corner who can run twice as fast with half the legs. I’m gonna give up altogether and just join the fucking circus!’
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.