12 Reasons Why Runners Are So Annoying To Normal People
I’m back with a shitty list of reasons why runners are perceived to be annoying by normal people out there.
- We have dreadful impulse control – We enter all of the races all the time with no real consideration over whether we will be able to run the race or not. If we exhibited the same attitude towards holiday trips we’d be classified as deeply irresponsible or criminally fucking insane. This is how most runners enter races. It starts with an emotional emergency.
- We value running over our health – GO HARD OR GO HOME! YOU’RE NOT TRYING UNLESS YOU’RE FUCKING DYING, THEN COME ALIVE! AND DIE AGAIN! Yes. Run until your heart fucking explodes. Great idea! Many of us run for beer. Or cookies. Or chocolate. We run so we can indulge madness in other parts of our lives. We still do the bad shit and assume that running will take care of it. We talk about “everything in moderation” but we tend to only do a few things a lot. Everything in moderation means running, cake and beer not heroin, racism and elephant poaching.
- We are miserable cunts – You never see a runner smiling unless we’re being coerced into it by a race photographer or we’ve pushed someone in front of a bus. We’re always striving to get to the finish and struggle to enjoy what we’re doing in the moment. It’s all about reaching the next goal and the next milestone. The present moment is simply to be endured and that’s what makes us ‘tough’
- We are perceived to be arrogant – We’re prone to ridicule and we refuse to acknowledge the public in case we face attack. This makes us appear arrogant or entitled to others. Here’s a personal example. I stink when I run! Even if I roll deodorant onto my pits the smell is there. In July I got thrown out of a bar after a run for asking to be seated in the most remote part of the bar as I didn’t want to offend anyone with my BO. The owner became annoyed and threw me out with a “so pal my bar’s not good enough for ye, eh?’.
- We dress like sex offenders – Or rather one of the most infamous sex offenders of all time dressed like us.
- We are driving ourselves into the ground – We’re never happy with our results, times and distances. We become incredibly unhappy and burn out and wonder why. We’re on a treadmill we can’t get off. Achieve a goal? What’s the next one? The stress of running turns everyone and everything into a potential enemy or obstacle. I’m against slow walking pedestrians, dog owners, cyclists, motorists, cats, badgers, you name it, I hate it.
- We’re narcissistic – I know I am. As much as I do truly support the charities I’m fundraising for there’s this awful “look at me, look at what I’m doing” part of it. Humble brags abound on social media whether it’s early morning selfies or pictures of dinner. My favourite one is “I only ran 30 miles this week”. I use it a lot to show I’m unhappy with myself because my dick looks like an alien hatching out of itself and I’ve got a cat like Trump.
- We have shitty PR as runners – The Putney pusher, the man who ran with his bollocks dangling out in a marathon and then the guy who pushed someone into a canal. Every month there’s a story about a runner shitting on someone’s property repeatedly for no apparent reason. At best we’re perceived to be like bipolar foxes with continence issues. At worst we’re all little Hitler’s in spandex competing in our own scat Olympics.
- We are highly competitive people and we don’t know why – I’m an ugly person underneath. My competitive nature stems from low self esteem and that draws me into being highly competitive. If I gave into that side of me I’d be pushing people in front of traffic if it meant victory. It’s the ‘win at all costs’ mentality that’s pretty toxic. That’s why you get people injecting steroids into their pissholes. If you don’t win – you’re nothing. Ultra running for me is different in that it’s relaxing and a nice day out and no pressure.
- We have a misplaced sense of justice – Even liberal runners seem to advocate the death penalty for all cheaters in the sport. It’s fucking absurd. Lance Armstrong – an unrepentant cheating bastard and a prolific charity fundraiser is seen to be as bad as Osama Bin Laden by ranters of all stripes across the running community. Every time a cheater is exposed I’m convinced that a mob of ex-Olympians are going to turn up to the house of the accused and kick their heads in. It’s sexy to watch these normally mild-mannered people turn into borderline psychopaths. And for why? Because someone did what it took to win “at all costs”.
- We are drama queens – We train for marathons and turn a rain shower into The Perfect Storm and then take a little selfie of ourselves with a puckered up face like we’ve survived 8 hurricanes in 7 days. We do the pain to ourselves and then we stroke each other off for enduring the pain. Then we plan more pain for ourselves . This is the definition of sadism. Why not go to Eastern Europe and do a bar crawl of BDSM dungeons instead? We’d save a lot of money on shoes.
- We hog medals like magpies – And we cherish those medals even if we finished 35,127th out of 35,126. I have loads of them here that are rusting in a drawer and it’s fucking tragic. Don’t get me started on those bastards who use the word “bling” to describe them non-ironically. As my Mother would say “I’ll fucking bling you, you cunt”.