The idea for this post came from @k8jeffree on Twitter. It’s quite self explanatory. It’s a list of the 11 annoying things that race spectactors scream at you to try to encourage you.
Don’t get me wrong, I love and appreciate well wishers but you can only hear “you’re looking good” so many times before you want to begin heckling them.
- You’re looking good! - I know how I feel. I’ve seen how I look in race photographs. You’re just trying to be kind. If Satan gave birth to a gremlin and reversed over him in his pickup truck, he wouldn’t look as half as bad as me at mile 16 in a marathon.
- Only x miles to go! - OK I don’t mind this if I’m only a mile from finishing the race, however most times spectators shout it when there’s still 20 fucking miles left.
- It’s all downhill from here! - Just because the next 100 meters are downhill doesn’t mean the entire course is like that. Don’t get my hopes up! It can kill your race if you believe someone who says this and then there’s a huge hill at the end.
- What took you so long? - Your mother dragged me into the hedges at mile 14. That’s what happened. I won’t tell you what your father offered me at mile 20. Let’s just say I’d have been out there for another 6 hours before it was over and my asshole would be as worn as the middle pockets of a pool table in a dive bar.
- Come on! Sprint to the finish! - Chances are that I’m already moving as fast as I can lady. When I start sprinting that’s when dangerous shit happens. I weave between runners and start to lose my balance. I’m still terrified of tripping up on the finishing line and landing on my head.
- You can do it number 6-5-6-8-5-3! I appreciate your encouragement. It’s just a pain in the ass when you yell my race number and I can’t remember it. I’m always thinking “Shit, is that me?” *looks down at bib and then trips over a pothole*
- You’re a winner! - No. The winner finished 4 fucking hours ago and this is just a 10k. Stop trying to make me feel better about being slow!
- Run like you stole something - This was funny the first 5,000 times but it quickly grows tiring when you hear it 500 times a race. Besides I am running like I stole something. If you jog slowly then you’re less likely to draw attention from store security. If you try to Usain Bolt your way out of a Walmart with a decade’s supply of Tampons in your knickers, then they’ll hunt you down eventually.
- Pain is temporary, pride is forever! - Oh fuck off. When you’re running a marathon your mind is seized with pain. You don’t have enough left in there for any pride. You want it to end and to end now. I’ll worry about pride once I’ve had my 4th post-race beer and by then I’ll probably have got thrown out of the bar for waving my medal in the waitresses face, surfing for the whole “WOW you ran HOW far!?!?!?! I couldn’t run HALF a mile. You brave bro. You brave!” spiel.
- Pusssshhhhhhhhh! - Don’t give my asshole ideas, smart ass.
- You’re doing great - I’m doing great? Really? I just took a shit in a hedge 1 mile back and I keep deliberately running veering the bus lane to see if one fancies finishing me off.
What do spectators shout that really pisses you off?
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.