11 Things I’d Rather Do Than A Tough Mudder Race
Have you ever heard of a race called the Tough Mudder? It’s where young sexy people with pretty scowls go to run over an extremely muddy assault course for recreational purposes.
Where does this end and scat start?
Here’s a list of running shit I’d rather do than Tough Mudder.
- Run one of those ‘visit as many vineyards as you can in France’ races – Fuck it. I’ll take another descent into alcoholic madness over being caught up of the top of a monkey bar climb for 2 hours. Hanging upside down like a sad bat.
- Drink my own piss – Not really running related unless you get as desperate as I was when running through North Devon in LEJOG. The sting of piss on my tongue will last for a day, assault course hell will stay with me for a lifetime.
- Run a 100 miler bollock naked through a major urban conurbation – I can’t run a 100k with clothes on through the countryside. A naked city 100 miler would be hell on earth but no worse than assault courses.
- Hill repeats up Mont Blanc in the middle of a thunderstorm – I’ll choose this only if I’m allowed to wear a TV aerial bought from Poundland as a hat.
- Run a marathon with a pacer from LetsRun.com – A neurotic meets a neurotic. Who dies first? Drink my piss!
- Start running barefoot – On this beach.
- Any mountain race that has considerable drops – I suffer from terrible vertigo and have horrendous balance. I’d prefer to fall 500m to my death than to suffer the humiliation of being trapped under one of those scrambling assault course nets like a dying Queen bee.
- Run across the country and cheat whilst doing it – In the eyes of the shrieking moral bastions on running forums there’s only one thing worse than a sex offender or a terrorist. That’s a cheater. These people talk about cheaters with the same language the West used against Pol Pot and Idi Amin. With that said, I’d take being vilified forever over a 5 mile bath in shit.
- Use the word ‘runch’ – I have standards and the word ‘runch’ always provokes a violent response with me. I’d rather punch myself in the head until my face resembled that of the lady who had her face and hands bitten off by Travis the helper monkey than do Tough Mudder.
- Do a desert race – I liked running through Las Vegas as it’s a desert city with shit in it. I’ve no interest in running across a desert for shits and giggles with no prospect of water or food for days and days. Life is too short to spend it in fucking deserts. I’ve never been interested in visiting Egypt.
- Do an Ironman – I can’t swim and don’t ride bikes very often. But I’ll take drowning in water over drowning in shit any day.