Let’s face it when you’re starting out as a runner you’re forcefed a never ending buffet of horse shit by people who are mostly interested in your money or breaking your spirit.
Here are 10 things I wish I’d known before I started out.
- Stretching isn’t necessary – One of the things I dreaded about starting a running regime was stretching. You see I have all the agility of a lamp post. I tried stretching once by pulling my leg behind my arse and I nearly pulled a muscle AND collapsed at the same time. A perfect recipe for a prolapsed rectum if you ask me. Stretching isn’t a necessary warm up. Running itself is a warm up. If stretching doesn’t seem to work for you but you enjoy it as a pre-run ritual, may I suggest flailing your balls to magnetic north, praying to Larry David and/or drying your ass crack with your Aunt’s blowdryer before your run?
Stretching, the perfect way to blow your bumhole inside out. - The no pain, no gain ethic is bullshit – You can gain a hell of a lot by just running at a slow pace. It can be relaxing. It can alleviate stress. If you’re constantly running out of your comfort zone and it’s making you miserable, then either slow down, suck it up or stop running.
- Hill running can be fun – I think every runner starts off being intimidated by hills but if you start taking them on slowly then you’ll start to actually enjoy them. Every hill has a brow. Once you hit it the top you get to enjoy the downhill. Look at it another way – hill running is like masturbation. You have to do a lot of thumping about for 3 to 5 minutes but once you hit the top then – weeeeeee!
- You don’t have to replace your trainers every 300/400 or 500 miles – Let’s say you’re Nike and you want to shift more shoes. How would you achieve that? How about telling your consumers that they’ll suffer injuries if they don’t buy new shoes frequently? Genius! I’ve had my current Nike Lunarglide 3 trainers for 8 months now and I’ve ran 1,100 miles in them and they are still holding up really fucking well which is a miracle considering I’m 210 pounds, 6’3″ and run with all the grace of a drugged elephant on heat.
- No one is watching you outside when you’re running – Apart from maybe stalkers, rapists or dickheads and they are few and far between these days (apart from dickheads). Seriously though, most people will admire you for having the balls to run outside. It takes a lot of courage to get out there to start with, but no one worthy of your attention is staring at you or mocking you. If you receive abuse in the streets then the best option is to ignore the person. You set out on a run to improve your fitness, not to get into a knife fight with a man with 7 fingers and 6 teeth.
That there runnin’ is for the queers y’know? - Caffeinated beverages can help you escape the long run shits – Drinking lots of coffee or energy drinks 2-3 hours before your long run will guarantee that you’ll shit everything out of you long before you’ve jogged your first mile. Don’t underestimate how badly having an icky stomach can fuck up your run.
- Comparing yourself to other runners is self defeating – For every time you feel superior to another runner, you’ll feel twice as bad when you see someone who is better than you. Every one runs the same road for their own reasons with their own set of circumstances.
- Only rest when your body needs it – When I was starting out as a runner I’d feel frustrated at the number of rest days in my marathon regime. I knew on those days that I was capable of jogging but I felt like I was being constrained by unnecessary break days. Know your own body and rest when you’re tired and run when you’re not.
- You don’t have to change your life to become a runner – Running by itself can transform your life for the better.
- Don’t take running too seriously – If you have a bad run, go out tomorrow and make sure you have a good one. If you don’t beat your personal best, learn whatever lessons you need to learn and come back stronger next time. Overall though have fucking fun and try not to injure yourself.
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.
Well said. Especially number 2. And number 3. And number 5. And number 7. And number 10. Which is pretty much all of them.
Number 6. Oh God number 6.
Your Lunarglides don’t feel any different because they’re on the minimalist side, anyway. There’s not much cushion to lose. Same goes for a Kinvara.
I do agree that most people can get more than 350 miles out of their traditional running shoes. People wearing minimalist shoes can get quite a bit more, like you. But don’t tell me your 1,000-mile traditional shoe with support and cushion gives you the same run as a brand new one.
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Hey Neky,
I agree with you about the new shoes. Only reason why I haven’t bought any sooner is because I was unemployed all over the summer!
I am now closing in on 36 and have been ruinnng since I was 6 years old. When I was young, numerous businesses were beginning to sponsor 5ks and fun runs and my parents entered me in my first one in 1979. Pretty quickly they realized that I was pretty fast and that I enjoyed doing it. I was regularly beating much older kids. At age 7 I came in 3rd in a 2 mile fun run with a time of 14:28. My parents then began to get serious about taking me to track meets and fun runs all around the area. I enjoyed training on my own and would regularly run around the lake in my neighborhood. By 13, I was training frequently and my mom approached the high school coach about allowing me to run with the cross country team. He let me train and race with the team, even though my time did not count in meets. My coach was a tough guy and we trained much harder than I had ever trained on my own. My fastest 5k that year was 17:12. I began to get burned out my next year from the hard training and by my 10th grade year, my doctor told my coach that I needed a year off because he thought the stress on my body from training was stunting my growth. I came back faster than ever for my junior and senior years, PRing with a time of 16:46. In college, my ruinnng slowed significantly, as other events of college life diminshed my desire to run. Once out of school and living in Colorado, I resumed steady training and began ruinnng mountain races and half marathons. While skiing one winter, I tore my ACL and had to take the next 6 months off from ruinnng. When I slowly got back in the groove, I decided to train for a marathon. I picked Chicago with the goal of qualifying for Boston and trained for 6 months for it. I started out well, coming through the 1/2 in 1:32 but finished in 3:30 after crashing in the second half. After recovering, I had the marathon bug and ran a few more over the next 4 years including Big Sur, where I proposed to my wife, Kiawah and Richmond. Kids came shortly after the Richmond marathon, which has limited my training for the past 5 years. I still run shorter races and enjoy ruinnng with the kids in the jogger. I have just recently discovered certain joys of treadmill ruinnng.I talk to many people who get a great burst of motivation, usually for a specific race, and then, once it is finished, lose the desire to run. I am so used to ruinnng now, it is like second nature. I have never had an issue with motivation simply because ruinnng is so ingrained in my daily life. I didn’t start ruinnng for any benefit other than I enjoyed competing and still do. My times are much slower now, but my goals are different and keep me pushing myself. I discovered long ago that your goals are all relative to where you are and it is futile to look at the past in an effort to set future goals. Despite only being 36, this year will be my 30th year of ruinnng. I can only pray that I will afforded another 30 years of health to enjoy it.By the way, I began reading Runner’s World, along with the now defunct Runner and Running Times at around 8 years old and have watched Runners World grow into the great magazine that it is today. Thank you for this forum.
This is great, i just stumbled on your blog searching anger fueled running. Thanks for the proper motivation i needed.