Let’s face it when you’re starting out as a runner you’re forcefed a never ending buffet of horse shit by people who are mostly interested in your money or breaking your spirit.
Here are 10 things I wish I’d known before I started out.
- Stretching isn’t necessary – One of the things I dreaded about starting a running regime was stretching. You see I have all the agility of a lamp post. I tried stretching once by pulling my leg behind my arse and I nearly pulled a muscle AND collapsed at the same time. A perfect recipe for a prolapsed rectum if you ask me. Stretching isn’t a necessary warm up. Running itself is a warm up. If stretching doesn’t seem to work for you but you enjoy it as a pre-run ritual, may I suggest flailing your balls to magnetic north, praying to Larry David and/or drying your ass crack with your Aunt’s blowdryer before your run?
Stretching, the perfect way to blow your bumhole inside out.
- The no pain, no gain ethic is bullshit – You can gain a hell of a lot by just running at a slow pace. It can be relaxing. It can alleviate stress. If you’re constantly running out of your comfort zone and it’s making you miserable, then either slow down, suck it up or stop running.
- Hill running can be fun – I think every runner starts off being intimidated by hills but if you start taking them on slowly then you’ll start to actually enjoy them. Every hill has a brow. Once you hit it the top you get to enjoy the downhill. Look at it another way – hill running is like masturbation. You have to do a lot of thumping about for 3 to 5 minutes but once you hit the top then – weeeeeee!
- You don’t have to replace your trainers every 300/400 or 500 miles – Let’s say you’re Nike and you want to shift more shoes. How would you achieve that? How about telling your consumers that they’ll suffer injuries if they don’t buy new shoes frequently? Genius! I’ve had my current Nike Lunarglide 3 trainers for 8 months now and I’ve ran 1,100 miles in them and they are still holding up really fucking well which is a miracle considering I’m 210 pounds, 6’3″ and run with all the grace of a drugged elephant on heat.
- No one is watching you outside when you’re running – Apart from maybe stalkers, rapists or dickheads and they are few and far between these days (apart from dickheads). Seriously though, most people will admire you for having the balls to run outside. It takes a lot of courage to get out there to start with, but no one worthy of your attention is staring at you or mocking you. If you receive abuse in the streets then the best option is to ignore the person. You set out on a run to improve your fitness, not to get into a knife fight with a man with 7 fingers and 6 teeth.
That there runnin’ is for the queers y’know?
- Caffeinated beverages can help you escape the long run shits – Drinking lots of coffee or energy drinks 2-3 hours before your long run will guarantee that you’ll shit everything out of you long before you’ve jogged your first mile. Don’t underestimate how badly having an icky stomach can fuck up your run.
- Comparing yourself to other runners is self defeating – For every time you feel superior to another runner, you’ll feel twice as bad when you see someone who is better than you. Every one runs the same road for their own reasons with their own set of circumstances.
- Only rest when your body needs it – When I was starting out as a runner I’d feel frustrated at the number of rest days in my marathon regime. I knew on those days that I was capable of jogging but I felt like I was being constrained by unnecessary break days. Know your own body and rest when you’re tired and run when you’re not.
- You don’t have to change your life to become a runner – Running by itself can transform your life for the better.
- Don’t take running too seriously – If you have a bad run, go out tomorrow and make sure you have a good one. If you don’t beat your personal best, learn whatever lessons you need to learn and come back stronger next time. Overall though have fucking fun and try not to injure yourself.
by Matt the Angry Jogger
Angry Jogger loves running to lose and maintain his weight. He started running as an obese man and is now only overweight at 200lbs. He started off at 280lbs.