Every where you look in the running community you see little bit the pleasant and positive side of running.
You are meant to look and feel like this.
When in actual fact you look and feel like this.
Here are 10 of the things that almost spoil running for me entirely and make me feel like giving it up as a bad job.
- If you run in the morning the rest of your day is typically filled with pain – Stairs become a cruel xylophone of pain where you’re both the bars and the mallet and with each step up or down you let out a unique yelp or moan. Showering will be almost impossible if my nipples are hurt. I will have to position my entire body away from the jet of water like someone is pissing on me. If I run over 10 miles in a day then my foot will start cramping at random intervals. To stop the pain surging up my leg I’ll have to start stomping like hell which can be inconvenient if I’m at a funeral and jump up into action at a particularly delicate moment.
What the stairs in work feel like after a 6 mile run.
- Running is too simple - And it can get boring if you’ve nothing to train for. That’s why running magazines like Runners World conjure up wackier and zanier training regimes from the ether just to justify their existence. They couldn’t keep publishing “How To Keep Putting One Leg In Front Of The Other” and expect to shift a copy. They have to come up with something creative to capture your interest like “Run Barefoot With A Mutant Sea Bass Under Each Arm And Glide Like Mo Farah!”. That’s when you start getting dirty stares from the pro-running-crowd for not at least making an effort and turning out on race day with a Rainbow Trout under each armpit.
- You can only watch in horror as parts of your body flake off like you’re a leper zombie - During marathon training the toenails are the first to go, then your nipples get all scabby and raw. You start to wonder about what will the next thing to go. Will it be my blue veiner? Will I have to sling it around my neck in a rucksack from now? How will I possibly get it through airport security?
- You have a raging appetite but you can’t always eat what you want – This for me has been the biggest comedown from running. I naively thought I could just eat what I wanted and it wouldn’t matter. It turns out your body still follows that calories in – calories out equation regardless of how much you move. The worst thing is that my appetite is always huge. I want to eat all of the things all of the time but I know that I can’t otherwise my man tits will come back with a vengeance.
- You let running define your life – If your running is going well then you’re happy. If it is not, then you’ll feel down for days on end. If I’m holiday I’m constantly on edge if I’m not running. I’m worried about losing any remnant of fitness I may have and it’s impossible to switch off. If I set a race target or expect a personal best from myself in a race and don’t achieve it, then I’ll be down on myself for quite some time. It doesn’t make you an easy person to be around when things are going shit.
- You never really get over the fear of running in the dark – I still have times where I’ll be staring into the distance in the morning, see someone and immediately think that they are out on the rape. Typically it will be some old grandma who has just stopped to try to find her dog that’s went off into the hedge. Or it will be someones mail box (I’m completely fucking blind you see).
- You begin to bore the life out of other people who aren’t interested in running – If someone does not share your enthusiasm about the sport and your persist with talking about how your new pair of Brooks will give you an extra 3 seconds of pace over 10 miles of flat terrain, then you’ll wonder why people suddenly disappear the moment you arrive at parties. The truth is that most normal people think runners are freaks. (Why the fuck would you run 10 miles in the rain for fun? Is he mentally deficient or something?)
- The endless monitoring of pace/mileage/time/splits can crush your soul – Sometimes I just want to flush my
down the fucking toilet and sprint off into the horizon and frolic with the bunnies.
- You realize that you’ll never be the best at the sport – Which is a drag if you’re competitive by nature. Still, you’ll always have yourself to race and you can focus on setting your own records. That won’t stop your feeling like shit when you realise that the person won the race around the same time you thought “Wow! I’m doing great! Only 8 miles to go!”.
- You realize running isn’t always fun or fufilling - The endless cavalcade of motorists, pedestrians and dogs can leave you feeling weary and praying for the end. Most of the time you just want to finish your run but at the worst possible time someone or something will get in your way. And it’s not like you can just stop and shout “Aw you fucking cunt!” at the obstacle ahead of you. Especially if it’s an old lady. The worst thing for me is the sense of deflation at the end of a marathon after the high has dissipated. You’ve trained for 4 months and now you have nothing to do. You feel empty. You should feel on top of the world but it just doesn’t last. You spend your entire life wondering what it would be like to run a marathon and you do it and it just doesn’t measure up to your expectations.
Is that all there is to running a marathon?
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