10 Great Ways To Ruin Your Long Slow Distance Run.
Today I ran 14.75 miles in close to 2:30. It was a shitty, hateful run and I enjoyed maybe 4 seconds of it.
All of shitiness was my own fault too. Here are 10 ways I managed to mess up my long run and how you can do it too if you’re an idiot.
- Start out way too fast – I must admit I was feeling invincible after both the Dublin Marathon and yesterday’s encouraging tempo run. I didn’t think there’d be a problem with trying to sustain a 9:30 min/mile over 16 miles. I was proved wrong very quickly.
- Run hard the day before your long run – “You’re a machine. You’re invincible. Run like you stole something, you silly turd. Go for gold. Put 100% into each and every run. You’re a hero.” Yeah right! Suck a cock, any cock!
- Don’t hydrate properly – By this I mean go into the run dehydrated. That way you’ll bring enough isotonic drink along with you to last maybe 4 miles.
- Don’t take any gels with you – My recent successful long runs have one thing in common, I brought and used at least 6 IsoGels on each run. Today I thought that it must have just been a coincidence and ran with only a 500ml bottle of Lucozade Sport. Great idea…
- Become frustrated at your own lack of pace – Being frustrated at your own lack of pace is like trying to pull yourself up by the shoe laces. You’re only gonna slow further down and become yet more frustrated. I kept checking my Garmin every few minutes to see if my pace was improving, even though I knew I was slowing. I was feeding into a cycle of negativity that grew in strength as the run progressed.
- Never slow down when you’re tired, put it down to a bad spell – From miles 7 to 9 my body was screaming at me to ease the pace. If I’d paid any attention then I could have easily continued for 16-18 miles. This is where my inexperience comes into play. Towards the end of the run I was leaning over to one side like I was in Paris and just begging for the run to be over already.
- Try to run a 16 miler less than 6 days after a marathon – Any fatigue you’ll feel on the run will be mental. Run through the pain barrier and view your stress fractures as battle scars. Go onto the Fitfluential website before your long run and masturbate in a frenzy to all of the inspirational material until your cock snaps in half like a cheap pencil.
- Blame your shitty running on dogs or careless pedestrians – I couldn’t concentrate for most of the run and tried to pass the blame for my bad jogging onto dogs, slow moving pedestrians and bastard motorists. If I had any sense I would have accepted responsibility for the shitty running, slowed down a little and tried to enjoy the run.
- Give in to negative self talk and believe every slight you make against yourself – When negative thoughts come into your mind, it isn’t your body telling you to slow down. Entertain all negative sentiments and go wild with them. Cringe like hell and rejoice in the present you’re bored of, past you’re ashamed of and the future that you’re dreading.
- Hold yourself to meaningless pacing targets and become demoralised when you’re way off – After my pace had slowed to a 10:20 minute/mile I was still checking my watch every few minutes, worried that my pace would drop below a 10:00 min/mile average. This ruined the run for me. How the hell can you expect to settle into any sort of flow when you’re placing meaningless time constraints on yourself?