10 Awful Things That Have Entered My Head When I’ve Been Out Running.
This post is about some of the awful things I think about doing whilst running.
Most of them are extraordinarily negative in nature so if you’re wanting inspirational shit you’re gonna have to wait until tomorrow my hippy friend.
1) Get injured so I never have to run again – When I was at my lowest I didn’t really care if I got injured in races. It was that much of a struggle getting through the last miles that sometimes it seemed easier to have a legitimate reason for stopping instead of just quitting like a lazy bastard. When I first told my friends and family that I was running my first marathon and hadn’t started training for it, I thought about feigning an injury just to stop myself from worrying about failure.
2) Jump up behind old lady and screaming ‘Hold your horses love! This is the grim reaper!’ – The last thing I want to do when I’m out running is to actually kill someone but I do have the temptation sometimes to jump up behind old ladies and shout “remember me lady? It’s the Reaper! We last met when you choked on that huge bit of Turkey at Christmas!’. I’m not willing to serve time for manslaughter though. I’d get bored of running laps of my jail cell.
3) Maybe I should just try to piss whilst running instead of stopping – Just once I’d like to try urinating whilst jogging. It would be a complete disaster though regardless of wind direction or my pacing at the time. Plus I’d probably get arrested too if I got caught with my lad out by the coppers.
4) Flicking fingers at well wishers – My heart soars whenever someone wishes me well on the run. Sometimes I want to repay them for their kindness by flipping them the bird and yelling “I bet you weren’t expecting me to play this sort of hand were you?”
5) Stopping the run, going home and creating a fictional route once I get back – No one will know or care! What are you actually gonna achieve on this run anyway? A negative split and a 10 minute mile average? Congratulations! Make it easier for yourself and go onto Mapmyrun, create a 20 mile route and pretend you ran it in 2 hours. Everyone will think you’re a hero.
6) Waving to a dog on my 5am runs and shouting ‘morning cunt, how’s the form?’ – Even if a dog causes no trouble I want to antagonise it and upset the owner. I’m not a very nice person.
7) Picking up road side bottles and drinking out of them – On hot days I get so thirsty that I would do almost anything just to have a drink even if it involves tramping bottles off by the roadside, most of which probably contain rat spunk. I can’t do this in London as there’s always too many people around and I’d be exposed as the tramp I am.
8 ) Flash for the race photographer – I refuse to smile for them as it is cheesy and contrived. I’d rather express myself in a more genuine way by flashing my buttocks at the bastards in an attempt to burn a hole through their lens. I hate smiling for photographs. It’s just too much effort when you’re a curmudgeon like me. I have smiled for the photographer before and it’s been because I’ve been genuinely happy.
9) Trip up deliberately slow people in races – I mean the dickheads who run backwards, clap their hands and encourage their friends whilst annoying the fuck out of everyone else. I could never do this as they are usually wearing memorial t-shirts for the person they are running the race for. But the thought always enters my mind and makes me wince. And laugh hysterically. So if in the rare chance I actually pass you in a race and I’m laughing my ass off, it’s not because I’m a bad sport, I’ve just had some bad thoughts.
10) Steal hats – This might sound racist, but it’s not. I was running up Stamford Hill in London today at mile 14 out of 16. The area has a large community of Jewish people. These guys were out in force on my run and I had the idea of stealing one or more of their hats just to entertain myself. The hats they were wearing were pretty fucking epic. If I could nab one I’d be able rehouse at least 50 squirrels from St James Park and feed them Spicy Mix from Poundland.